Fed up.

Hey guys,

So, just to pre-warn you, there’s going to be very bad language in this, and maybe some triggers…

So today, I was discharged from IAPT.

After speaking to them for my follow up appointment this afternoon, we agreed that 1-1 CBT wasn’t really going to do much good, when I can’t actually make sense or pinpoint a thought to challenge, so counselling is going to be a much better idea.

…apart from the IAPT service in Harrogate don’t offer counselling.

So instead, I now have been given the details of a charity who offer therapy on a voluntary contribution basis. Which I don’t get referred to, I speak to them as any other average Joe off the street. No history, nothing. Oh, and discharged from the IAPT service.

I feel so completely and utterly palmed off, that I just don’t see what the point is any more. I mean, what happens if the charity decide that I don’t qualify for their service? Or they’re fully loaded and can’t take any new clients?

Seriously – when you pluck up the courage to say no, that’s not helpful, or even just ask for help, why do I now get palmed off? What do I have to do to get some help that’s actually useful?

I honestly feel like no-one wants me as their problem. And gotta be honest, that makes me feel like why should I bother.

My plan of action is now to disappear for 4 days – as I’m going on a yoga and meditation retreat on Holy Island, where there’s no phone signal. Hopefully by the time I get back, maybe I’ll have magically fucking cured myself.

Still off any of my meds, so that really doesn’t help. Back at the doctor in a week and a half… and fucking counting.

Peace and love to you all,


Switcheroo, and talking

So, I went back to the doctors on Friday morning, and he’s decided (with my input) that the 40mg Citalopram is just not working.

I felt really bad, almost as if it was going backwards, but making me feel almost emotionless. I had an exam on the Thursday, and I wasn’t nervous or confident. I just knew I had to do it, got on with it, failed it, and still just didn’t seem to really care. Continue reading “Switcheroo, and talking”

A little happy…

So, just a quick little post, with a little happy!

I’ve updated the image on the first page of my blog here, so instead of having one that I’d got from a stock image, it’s actually one of my own 🙂

Please don’t steal it. It is under copyright to me… but if you do want to use it, just ask me!

The Contact Lens Test

So, you might read the headline to this blog and wonder what I’m on (well… apart from Citalopram, Zopiclone and my asthma stuff!).

But, this is basically how I can see (no pun intended) how my day’s going to go, and today’s no exception.

Today’s not been a good day. Spent so far most of it in my room, admittedly I’ve managed to wire up my network, set up my new wireless hotspot and wire my speakers, but I’ve barely left here. Which, let’s be fair, isn’t exactly great.

However, it got me thinking. I really struggled putting my lenses in this morning after I got up. I’ve really struggled with them most days that I’ve had a bad day… and I think it’s down to my temper and concentration.

But – does anyone else have these warning signs? I’d be really interested to know… let me know what you think…

Tuesday. The new Monday?

So, loads of people were saying that yesterday was “Blue Monday” – when the credit card statements go out after Christmas, and the long trek through January starts to hit home. My views on this aside, I was lucky enough to work from home yesterday, as all my new bedroom furniture arrived, so that needed assembling and signing for.

Now, on Saturday, my doctor decided to up my dosage of Citalopram from 30mg to 40mg. Which was what I was on before, when I had my last bad patch. The only problem is that this time, it seems to have had a strange effect on me, and my body/brain seem to be fighting it, which is making me feel pretty bad. I’m sat in the office today after a pleasant but fitful night’s sleep, pretty much staring blankly at the screen. Admittedly, not having contact lenses in today doesn’t help at all, but then I get the feeling that I’d be feeling like this anyway.

I seem to have very little patience for morons at the moment as well. Which, when you’re an IT guy, isn’t great… not saying that all my users are morons by far, but the few seem to take up most of my time unfortunately. I don’t seem to have much/any project work to do either at the moment, which is unusual. I seem to do so much better when I can immerse myself in something, and just plough through it all. It’s always a good sign when you look at the clock and are shocked how late it is!

The other thing with my higher dose is that I feel like I’m working through a fog at the moment. My brain just feels like when you drop a dissolving tablet into a glass of water, and it’s all murky and translucent, when I can’t seem to make it go clear, try as I might. Maybe the quantity of coffee I’m drinking today won’t be helping, but it’s either that or fall asleep at my borrowed desk.

I won’t lie – today’s a struggle. I want to go home, I want to go get back into my new bed, and I want to sleep away at least the rest of today. My anxiety’s threatening to come out of it’s box as well, when I really don’t know what I’ll do. Unfortunately, I’m in Manchester today, so it’s around 2hrs to get home anyway…

Lunchtime now. Let’s see what I can get to eat…