I just wanna lay in my bed
Don’t feel like picking up the phone
So leave a message at the tone
[Bruno Mars – The Lazy Song]
Whilst the upbeat note of this song doesn’t exactly encompass how I’m feeling, it really does encompass my mood with the lyrics! Because today is one of those days where I just want to hide away from everything.
Days like this are strange. I wake up and see the sun shining through my blinds, my TV might still be murmuring along from the night before, and most importantly, there is nothing at all wrong. Until you start to ask my mind and realise that I’m basically upside down. Everything is wrong. Even writing this blog entry today is tough – the words just won’t flow at all.
It’s like, I’m sat in my favourite coffee shop, with a beautiful tea (I’ve already had a coffee and cake), the sun’s shining, and I can see the world is going by merrily. No-one’s disturbing me, the grass is green, the leaves on the trees are just blowing gently in the breeze, the flags on the outside of the Crown hotel are blowing proudly. Yet, locked inside my brain is this feeling of total isolation. My shoulder hurts for some reason again, and everything in my brain is just telling me that I need to run away, go away and hide somewhere safe.
Just sipping my tea, which is lemongrass and ginger I think, and seriously good, and I just feel as though everyone wants to ignore me, for no apparent reason. I know it’s a total lie – yet I can’t shift the feeling. It’s totally perverse, the fact that my mind can tell me these things, that I believe are true because I’ve told myself that they are, yet they are absolutely anything but. Yet it’s what my head has said and so surely, it must be true?
It’s weird. I’ve almost got two brains on the go, one that is my logical, and mentally sound brain, which tells me to shut up and stop being silly – but then there’s the louder, more dominant brain, which tells me the bad, depression and anxiety things, that is one of those annoying bastards that you just can’t shut up. Basically, I’m in an abusive relationship with myself! It’s just one of those ugly things – it’s not exactly easy to dump yourself, to cut all ties with yourself. So you have to work at it. And trust me, it’s not damn easy.
I know that they say that nothing in life comes easy, especially if it’s not worth having… but let’s be fair, no-one really expects them to mean life itself… do they?
Peace and love to you all,