About time I gave you faithful readers an update really! It’s been more than a while…
It’s been 7 weeks since I’ve seen my care co-ordinator, and since then I’ve had some really bad days and changed meds. As far as I’m aware, she’s not even acknowledged my text messages!
I’m now back on the Venlafaxine, currently on a smallish dose, to build up to a considerably larger dose. Have also started on propanalol as required, which admittedly is really really good on keeping the anxiety in check!
Been wanting to blog for a while, but for some reason, my head just doesn’t seem to want me to be able to. My brain just doesn’t respond to much at the moment. Especially anything that involves energy…
I’ll be honest, I’m feeling pretty bloody awful. I had a pretty good couple of weeks away, leading my famous information security (Security IQ) courses across the country away, and it was so nice to just be away from everything at home, and just be able to be on my own when I got “home” – wherever that was for the time! Although don’t get me wrong – it was absolutely exhausting, draining and challenging, I actually really thrived from it. I noticed the minute I came home that my mood changed so much. Completely different, with different stressors, different problems and thoughts. That was really challenging, I gotta admit, as it meant that in my head, I was proving something to myself that I think has been a problem of mine for a while, that I’ve never really addressed:
Don’t get me wrong, I think the absolute world of my parents, and I don’t think they shoulder an ounce of blame for any of my issues. However, I think that I actually need space to be me, rather than to have any form of “enforced” socialisation. I’m actually quite a solitary person most of the time, and I like my own company. I’m quite happy to sit on my own and do my own things, rather than relying on the company of anyone else.
My problem comes, because I feel guilty about leaving my parents. Neither of them goes to work and so I’m the only income that they get. So if I was to leave, what would happen? What would they do?
Plus, then there’s the problem that I live in Harrogate, and renting in Harrogate is all but equivalent to West London.
So then I look to rent elsewhere… but then I have the issue of my job… my healthcare… my friends… even down to my safe place, my coffee shop!
Next week will be interesting, anyway… Monday I have the dentist, Tuesday I have the MH doctor, and Thursday I have my GP. Could be fun, right?
Peace and love,