I’ve never written to you before, and I doubt you’ll write back in all honesty. But I want to pose you some questions that really bug the hell out of me about you, and one day, I’d really like you to be able to answer me.
Firstly, why do you think it’s okay to take away things that I enjoy from me? I can’t concentrate on anything, I can’t enjoy cooking or photography. I don’t even often enjoy eating that much at the moment. I mean don’t get me wrong, I enjoy pizza, Chinese takeout, a good burger, chips… but I used to enjoy so much more. C’mon, this isn’t at all who I am.
I don’t even understand why I have to ask this, but what’s with taking away some of my coordination? It’s nothing to do with you for god’s sake – so why do you have to go play in that section of my brain? Seriously, I can mitigate the stuff you do to my mood. But I want to be able to grip my phone without fear of dropping it – or put it down without ending up throwing it the entire bloody way across the room.
Why do you have to steal my parents too? My dad’s lost confidence in doing anything, and will likely never return to work. My mum can’t cope with huge amounts either. Plus, you make me want to be away from them, and on my own, which presents a whole new thing. The fact that I keep wanting to scream at them is really not good.
Whilst we’re on that subject, stop screwing with my temper! I’m NOT an angry person, yet at the moment I want to scream at people for talking a bit loudly… I mean yeah, talking loudly is one of the most annoying things that anyone can do but… erm… CUT IT THE FUCK OUT!
I know that I might be pushing it here, but why don’t you just let me know if you’re planning on making me totally crash, so I can at least plan ahead a bit? Hand over some tickets, make sure I haven’t changed anything on the web cluster, things like that? Even just let me see if I can take a day or two off to hide. Equally, if you plan on giving me a good few days, heads up on that would be just as nice, so quite frankly, I’ll be able to make sure I can enjoy them!
You’ve no idea how much I used to hate the concept of normality. Yet, you can’t even begin to comprehend how much I want it now. Just to be able to wake up in the morning and get up, not needing a second thought. To be able to go to the gym, to have a second cup of coffee without worrying if you’re going to make my anxiety set off, or even to go out for a few drinks, and not have to be absolutely scared stiff about which way the alcohol is going to send me this time.
If you feel like giving me the answers to any of these things… just give me a shout. You have my number, drop me a text (don’t call me though, as you and anxiety make it impossible for me to answer my phone…) – you can email me, or even just comment here!
Peace and love,